The tale of old building radiators in which I then (accidentally) condemn the city to more winter.

by Perckle on March 16, 2010

I’ve been complaining a bit about the radiators in my apartment in the last few days weeks months and APPARENTLY not everyone is familiar with these contraptions.

For those of you in column I-have-central-air-fanciness, this is just a sampling of the radiators in my apartment:

These are radiators.  They come in a variety of sizes as can be seen above.

I have one of these in every room in my apartment (bathroom included which makes quite the nice towel warmer but it’s also right next to the toilet so it gets a little toasty while you’re doing your business).  They are LOUD and HOT.  They hiss and make clunking noises and sometimes, SOMETIMES, I firmly believe that someone put marbles in them.  I don’t know who, but I’m guessing it was that kid in second grade whose ass I always kicked during marble month (March, for those of you who didn’t go to my school).  His retribution is CLEARLY to torture me with marbles rolling around in my radiators until the end of time.  Or I move.  To a non-radiator infested apartment.

The simple solution is probably to turn them off.   If it were that simple do you think I’d be writing this?  Maybe, but that’s not the point.  The point is, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THESE GIANT METAL BEASTS!  The people who run this building have total (TOTAL!) control over the heat situation.  And they threaten us by saying that if we shut the valves and there is water damage to the floor that we will be charged for the repair which is kinda bullshitty of them because there’s already a ton of damage around the pipes because the damn things are turned on so much that I’m pretty sure that the wood floors have actually been burned in places which is why I made sure to get fire insurance on this place but maybe I should get flood insurance too because I can’t be the only one peeved at this heat situation which means that other residents are probably staging a coup by turning off their radiators and leaving me to suffer.  Motherbitches.

Today was a perfectly beautiful day with temperatures near, possibly above 60 degrees and guess what was roaring and clanking and hissing and steaming when I walked in the door this afternoon?  The fucking radiators.  Do we REALLY need the heat on at full blast when it’s 60 degrees outside?  What. A. Waste. I don’t know what it’s wasting, but I’m sure it’s wasteful.  Not to mention annoying.

I debated calling the building manager and asking them to politely turn down the sauna.  Then my husband kindly reminded me that this is Chicago and the second that you accept that Spring is here, it snows and I sure as hell don’t want that on *my* conscience.  No sir chief.

SON OF A BITCH!  Not even joking, a little weather report just came on the television and the devil weather-lady said, and I quote, “How do we go from 70s to low 40s and snow?  Find out tonight.”  Shit.  Sorry, fellow city dwellers.  I’m a giant ass.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Bobby March 17, 2010 at 12:11 am

lol, you trip me out too much

Madre G March 17, 2010 at 11:45 am

Ah, life in Chicago. Happy St. Patrick’s Day, the celebration that helps you survive ‘spring’ in the windy city.

Jen Grant March 22, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I still can’t believe you have NO control over the temperature of your home. Dude. That is SO wrong!!! I fight with my husband over the temp numerous times daily–I can’t imagine wanting to do that with a landlord! I’m feelin for you girlie.

The Great Nathano! May 10, 2010 at 6:52 pm

I can’t believe this is still the latest topic on your blog. Or is it like a strike thing and you’re holding out for the radiator peeps to came?

The Great Nathano! May 10, 2010 at 6:52 pm

last work in previous post should be cave, not came.

The Great Nathano! May 10, 2010 at 6:53 pm

For fuck’s sake, the second word in the now new last post before this one should be word.

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