And this is why you shouldn’t IM me at the end of the work day

by Perckle on February 26, 2010

My job requires that I be online all day long and available via some form of instant messaging.  My oldest brother, who works in a totally unrelated field, is also online all day and this is just lovely because it allows to stay in touch without actually having to pick up a phone or listen to each other’s voices.  A few months ago, my brother IMed me and the following conversation took place and if it weren’t for this conversation this blog might not exist so as promised, here’s some credit to Oldest Brother.  Enjoy your moment of glory.

(warning: I know there’s some family out there who read this and it’s time the truth be known… I swear like a sailor.)

Brother (3:57:22 PM):  you hear about the balloon boy in CO?

Perckle (3:57:23 PM): Immersed in the world of [work]. I may be slow to respond.

Perckle (3:57:27 PM): yeah

Perckle (3:57:31 PM): did they find him?

Brother (3:57:38 PM): nope

Perckle (3:57:41 PM): and is it wrong that I laughed when i first saw the story?

Brother(3:57:44 PM): we watched it land

Brother(3:57:48 PM): nope

Perckle (3:58:21 PM): I’m just saying, if you have a fuckin space-craft looking hot air balloon in your driveway, maybe secure it a little more properly so that a 6 year old can’t fly away in it

Perckle (3:58:41 PM): and if he does fly away with it, he could at least go somewhere cool, like Peru

Brother (3:58:47 PM): well the parents are storm chasers and have been teaching the boys

Perckle (3:58:48 PM): he didn’t even leave the state

Perckle (3:58:50 PM): what a dumbass

Brother (3:59:01 PM): he’s hiding under his bed

Perckle (3:59:06 PM): the article I read called the father an ‘amateur scientist”

Perckle (3:59:14 PM): HOW DO YOU GET TO BE AN AMATEUR SCIENTIST??”

Perckle (3:59:16 PM): answer: you don’t

Brother (3:59:22 PM): lol

Perckle (3:59:34 PM): if I can’t be an “amateur” cardio thoracic surgeon,

Perckle (3:59:45 PM): then this fugger doesn’t get to be an “amateur” scientist

Perckle (3:59:47 PM): get a Degree

Perckle (3:59:55 PM): and NOT one from the University of Phoenix

Perckle (4:00:00 PM): those are bullshit and everyone knows it

Perckle (4:00:14 PM): it’s not even a real university.  it advertises on TV and is based in NY

Perckle (4:00:21 PM): nothing but liars, the whole U of P system

Perckle (4:00:26 PM): I say fuck ‘em

Perckle (4:00:27 PM): hard.

Perckle (4:00:31 PM): in the face.

Perckle (4:00:40 PM): and then send them up in an alien looking helium hot air ballon

Perckle (4:00:46 PM):  sorry, balloon

Perckle (4:00:58 PM): and maybe they can find balloon boy

Brother (4:01:02 PM): why don’t you write like that on your blog

Perckle (4:01:06 PM): who IS probably hiding under his be

Perckle (4:01:08 PM): bed

Perckle (4:01:12 PM): I’m starting a new blog

Perckle (4:01:18 PM): and it will be comprised of shit like this

Brother (4:01:23 PM): I already told you that where he was

Perckle (4:01:32 PM): I know, I”m saying you’re right

Perckle (4:01:37 PM): you’d be tagged in the blog

Perckle (4:01:41 PM): god, you union people.

Perckle (4:01:45 PM): always needing credit

Brother (4:01:50 PM): not in a union

Perckle (4:01:59 PM): well, you used to be and old habits die hard

Brother (4:02:05 PM): in a guild

Perckle (4:02:12 PM): that’s just fancy pants talk for union

Perckle (4:02:23 PM):  makes it sound like a union coated in gold

Perckle (4:02:26 PM): but I’m on to you bastards

Perckle (4:02:29 PM): that is GILDING

Perckle (4:02:31 PM): not GUILDING

Perckle (4:02:39 PM): or is it Gilting?

Perckle (4:02:40 PM): shit.

Perckle (4:02:45 PM):  now I may end up looking foolish

Perckle (4:02:46 PM):  hold on.

Perckle (4:03:05 PM):  I was right

Perckle (4:03:08 PM):  SUCK IT BITCHES!!!!!!!

Perckle (4:03:44 PM):  gild: 1: to overlay with or as if with a thin covering of gold

Perckle (4:03:52 PM):  2: to give money to

Perckle (4:04:02 PM):  3: to give an attractive but often deceptive appearance to

Perckle (4:04:07 PM): 4: to make bloody

Brother (4:04:13 PM): how much coffeee have you had?

Perckle (4:04:19 PM): well, number 4 doesn’t sound too pleasant, merriam-webster

Perckle (4:04:21 PM): NONE!

Perckle (4:04:36 PM): I just don’t get much social interaction these days

Perckle (4:04:41 PM): but I made you laugh, right?

Perckle (4:04:42 PM): RIGHT?

Perckle (4:04:48 PM): RIGHT????????????

Perckle (4:04:56 PM):  I knew it.

Perckle (4:04:59 PM): failed again.

Perckle (4:05:03 PM): I’m going to do gild myself.

Perckle (4:05:10 PM): and by that I mean definition #4

Perckle (4:05:18 PM): (the bloody one)

Perckle (4:05:29 PM): you probably could have just scrolled up and read that, but sometimes you’re slow

Perckle (4:05:31 PM):  it’s really annoying

Perckle (4:05:45 PM): you’ve only contributed like 4 comments to this whole conversation

Perckle (4:05:49 PM): MEANWHILE

Perckle (4:05:59 PM): there is a BOY stuck in a CLOUD somewhere over COlorado

Perckle (4:06:16 PM): but then again, weather patterns are effin crazy and he might be somewhere over oklahoma by now

Perckle (4:06:37 PM): and back to your earlier statement, if his parents are indeed storm chasers… why the hell are they in colorado?

Perckle (4:06:42 PM): you can’t really chase a blizzard

Perckle (4:06:47 PM): you just sit there and let it shit snow on you

Perckle (4:07:04 PM): but I guess if there an abominable snowman or something that’d be cool

Perckle (4:07:10 PM): you could chase him

Perckle (4:07:19 PM): but I KNOW they are only in the north pole

Perckle (4:07:25 PM): they’re like santa’s posse.

Perckle (4:07:48 PM): Abominables: Keepin the toys safe since 376AD.

Perckle (4:07:53 PM): (because that’s when santa was born)

Perckle (4:07:57 PM): don’t ask how I know

Perckle (4:08:03 PM): let’s just say I know someone at google

Perckle (4:08:09 PM): …

Perckle (4:08:10 PM):  hello?

Brother(4:10:03 PM): HYE!!!!

Perckle (4:10:14 PM): oh, hi.

Perckle (4:10:21 PM): I just sent you two text messages.

Brother (4:10:22 PM): thansk to you everyone at work now knows I have an willy wonka text message soud

Perckle (4:10:28 PM): HAHAHAHAH

Perckle (4:10:47 PM): maybe you shouldn’t just leave people while they’re (I’m) in the middle of talking to you

Brother (4:10:57 PM): http://www.bourbonandbranch.com/

Perckle (4:11:09 PM): what should the name of my new blog be?

Perckle (4:11:32 PM): is that where [friend] works?

Perckle (4:11:38 PM): I want to go to there. in costume.

Brother (4:11:40 PM): Le’ Glid de Percklesulless

Perckle (4:11:54 PM): yeah, ain’t nobody gonne be spellin that shit right

Brother (4:12:07 PM): ok, PerckleandPals

Brother(4:12:11 PM): or PP

Perckle (4:12:15 PM): how ’bout just Perckle?

Perckle (4:12:20 PM): I can become a brand name

Perckle (4:12:25 PM): goal = accomplished

Brother (4:12:35 PM):  I actually own that patent

Brother (4:12:38 PM): lo siento

Perckle (4:12:41 PM): lies!  I know it

Brother (4:12:44 PM): do you want to buy it/

Perckle (4:12:45 PM): I know it’s available

Brother (4:12:49 PM):  I will give you a bad price

Perckle (4:12:51 PM): I will give you one doolar

Perckle (4:13:03 PM): which is not as good as a dollar because I make them myself

Perckle (4:13:08 PM):  and no one accepts them

Perckle (4:13:09 PM): not even me

Perckle (4:13:18 PM): why make them then?  because I like to color, bitch.

Brother(4:13:29 PM):  :)

Brother (4:13:37 PM):  too bad you never stay in the lines

Perckle (4:13:43 PM): and this way, if the US market crashes, I’ll have my own currency and enough blog followers that they’ll all want to switch to doolar

Perckle (4:13:46 PM): doolars

Perckle (4:13:49 PM): you take that back right now.

Perckle (4:13:59 PM): I am a goddamn awesome colorer.

Perckle (4:14:17 PM): so yeah, maybe sometimes my colors aren’t “how society sees things”

Perckle (4:14:24 PM):   but I’m drunk so who cares

Perckle (4:14:31 PM): chillax, dude.  it’s just like

Perckle (4:14:34 PM):  …

Perckle (4:14:35 PM): life.

Perckle (4:14:40 PM):  and stuff.

Perckle (4:14:44 PM): yeaaaaaaaah

Perckle (4:14:48 PM):  …

Perckle (4:14:56 PM): are you regretting having started this conversation yet?

Brother (4:15:07 PM): not at all

Perckle (4:15:10 PM): oh thank god

Perckle (4:15:14 PM):  I was about to go gild myself again

Brother (4:15:37 PM):  one a day

Perckle (4:15:45 PM):  at this rate, you may not have to workout today because I’m so fuckin funny you’ve already burned enough calories

Perckle (4:15:52 PM):  don’t tell me how to live my life

Perckle (4:15:54 PM):  you’re not my mom

Brother (4:16:00 PM): but I had 1.5 cookies at lunch

Perckle (4:16:10 PM):  in all fairness, my mom wouldn’t let me gild myself at all.  like ever.

Perckle (4:16:20 PM): so what I’m really trying to say, you’re my new mom

Perckle (4:16:23 PM): and I broke the car.

Perckle (4:16:37 PM): 1.5 cookies? we had that burned off by like line 22 of this mostronsity

Perckle (4:16:48 PM): how many people are reading the screen right now?

Perckle (4:16:51 PM): I feel like I’m being watched

Brother (4:16:55 PM): 7

Perckle (4:16:59 PM): nevermind.  just my reflection in the monitor

Perckle (4:17:03 PM): sometimes I am not too bright.

Perckle (4:17:10 PM): really?  7?

Perckle (4:17:14 PM): i can do better.

Perckle (4:17:22 PM): but now I’m feeling all pressured.

Perckle (4:17:29 PM): maybe I should see how balloon-boy is doing

Perckle (4:17:35 PM):  maybe that will freshen up my material

Perckle (4:18:04 PM): the headline on MSNB says “ballon boy’s family obsessed with science.”

Perckle (4:18:12 PM): not to make light of a potentially tragic situation…

Perckle (4:18:13 PM): but…

Perckle (4:18:26 PM): if you’re that obsessed with something, shouldn’t your balloon have been a little better?

Perckle (4:18:37 PM): I mean it looks like an oversized jiffy-pop.

Perckle (4:18:43 PM): minus the oh-so convenient handle

Perckle (4:19:32 PM): speaking of jiffy pop

Perckle (4:19:35 PM):  http://thereifixedit.com/2009/06/30/epic-kludge-photo-fire-alarm/

Perckle (4:20:18 PM): what, did the group take a break?  I do require some sort of acknowledgement

Perckle (4:20:27 PM):  your boss is here, isn’t he?  (she?)  god, i know so little about you

Perckle (4:20:43 PM): you’re probably getting in trouble for talking to me right now

Perckle (4:20:59 PM): but if your boss is done yelling at you, could you show him/her this entire conversation and get me some feedback?

Perckle (4:21:20 PM): I mean, I don’t want to commit to a brand new blog if people aren’t amused.

Perckle (4:22:04 PM): why’d you send me the link about bourbon?

Perckle (4:22:23 PM):  why would i go all the way out there to have bourbon?

Perckle (4:22:26 PM): prohibition is over

Perckle (4:22:31 PM): how do I know?

Perckle (4:22:33 PM): I majored in history.

Perckle (4:22:55 PM): and the CVS down the street sells me booze all the time.  I do’nt think they’d be allowed to do that if prohibition were still going on

Perckle (4:23:05 PM): PROhibition makes it sound like a positive thing

Perckle (4:23:11 PM):  and you know what?  it wasn’t.

Perckle (4:23:24 PM): trust me.

Perckle (4:23:28 PM): like I said, history major.

Perckle (4:23:32 PM): nothing amateur about that.

Perckle (4:26:44 PM): your blatant attempt to ignore me has resulted in a facebook status.

Perckle (4:26:58 PM): too bad you can’t check it because you’re lame and refuse to accept that it’s a necessary part of life today

Perckle (4:27:02 PM): LAME.

Perckle (4:28:50 PM): okay enough of the silent treatment.  I have to get ready for an exciting event.

Perckle (4:28:53 PM): and I”m not even lying.

Perckle (4:29:05 PM): feel free to respond if you weren’t fired yet.

Perckle (4:29:27 PM):  if you were fired, sorry dude.  that sucks.

Perckle (4:29:36 PM): but hey, at least now you have time to visit me

Perckle (4:29:42 PM): we could have these conversations face to face

Perckle (4:29:47 PM): don’t be scared.

Brother (4:32:32 PM): what event??!?!?!?

Perckle (4:32:32 PM):  Away.

Brother (4:32:37 PM): you’re not away

Brother (4:32:40 PM): this is bullshit

Brother(4:32:48 PM): I am calling my unio… er GUILD

Brother (4:32:59 PM): which contains GILD in it!!!!!

Brother (4:33:04 PM): holy shit!

Brother (4:33:16 PM): con-trev-is

Brother (4:33:29 PM): waht facebook status

Brother (4:33:33 PM): I can find out

Brother (4:33:35 PM):  hold on!

Brother (4:36:58 PM): ooh, i just came up wit a new saying!

Brother (4:37:02 PM): DON’T STEAL IT!

Brother (4:37:04 PM): ready for it?

Brother (4:37:07 PM): prolly not.

Brother(4:37:12 PM): so Cool it’s cold!

Brother (4:37:14 PM): GENIUS!

Brother (4:38:07 PM): fuck your happy ass little penguin by the bay*

Brother (4:39:07 PM): “Sometimes I’m amazed that my family still talks to me. I think I’d be sick of me by now. But in a really positive “we’ll-always-love-you-but-don’t-worry-about-coming-to-any-family-events(-ever)” kind of way.”

Brother (4:39:18 PM): does THAT sound familiar

Perckle (4:39:47 PM):  ….

Perckle (4:39:54 PM): who do you know at facebook?

Brother (4:40:02 PM): Mr. Book herself

Perckle (4:40:02 PM):  I’m telling your wife you hacked her account

Perckle (4:40:06 PM):  AGAIN

Brother (4:40:10 PM): I did no such thing!

Perckle (4:40:19 PM): first of all, the creator of facebook is a man

Perckle (4:40:22 PM): Mark something or other

Perckle (4:40:30 PM): zuckerberg?

Perckle (4:40:40 PM): or was he the guy who created Saved By the Bell?

Perckle (4:40:50 PM): WHOLE. E. shit.

Perckle (4:40:53 PM): what if it’s the same guy?

Perckle (4:40:57 PM): mind = blown.

Perckle (4:41:05 PM): I knew Mr. Belding was behind this whole thinig

Perckle (4:41:09 PM):  I mean, how could he not be?

Perckle (4:41:14 PM): damn balding genius…

Perckle (4:41:57 PM): oh and the event I’m attending is a swanky little affair at the Adler Planetarium

Perckle (4:42:04 PM): y’know, cocktails, appetizers

Perckle (4:42:07 PM): big telescopes

Perckle (4:42:14 PM):  finding out the UV age of your skin

Perckle (4:42:17 PM):  a normal thursday

Brother (4:42:26 PM): do you watch “It’s always sunny in Philedelphia”

Perckle (4:42:37 PM): nope

Perckle (4:42:42 PM): is that still on?

Perckle (4:42:46 PM):  I thought it was cancellada?

Perckle (4:42:49 PM):  d

Brother(4:42:50 PM): belding makes an appearance and really funny

Perckle (4:42:57 PM): missed tha tone

Perckle (4:43:00 PM):  dammit!

Perckle (4:43:00 PM): that

Perckle (4:43:01 PM): one.

Perckle (4:43:03 PM): learn to type

Perckle (4:43:17 PM): how the hell am i going to have the most popular blog on the internet if I can’t even type coherently?

Perckle (4:43:28 PM): and I don’t want to hear about that bullshit spellcheck mumbojumbo

Perckle (4:43:32 PM): it’s for gypsies.

Brother (4:43:33 PM): well I will understand

Perckle (4:43:52 PM):  well at least I’ll have one faithful follower.

Perckle (4:43:57 PM): please?

Perckle (4:44:07 PM): I won’t put the penguin on there

Perckle (4:44:17 PM): warning: there may be other penguins

Perckle (4:44:25 PM):  but not the waddling one you bitch about ALL THE TIME

Perckle (4:44:51 PM): seriously, did you have a really messed up dream were that penguin waddled into your room in the dark hours of the night and beat your bare ass with a frozen fish?

Perckle (4:45:05 PM): I’m not saying I had that same dream, but I heard that other people have had it

Perckle (4:45:12 PM): and it means that a penguin is stalking you

Perckle (4:45:19 PM): and you should probably defrost your freezer

Perckle (4:45:25 PM): and don’t buy any frozen fish

Perckle (4:45:41 PM):  and maybe, just maybe, remove the penguin/doggy door

Perckle (4:45:58 PM): I mean, really, after giving you all this advice, it kinda sounds like you were asking for a penguin to come into your room and smack you around

Perckle (4:46:15 PM): I don’t like to abandon family, but I may have to side with the penguin on this one

Perckle (4:46:20 PM): (for safety reasons)

Perckle (4:46:30 PM): and the penguin just showed up here with beer

Perckle (4:46:32 PM): and candy

Perckle (4:46:37 PM): and I gave him your address

Perckle (4:46:42 PM): and a pictures

Perckle (4:46:47 PM): that’s right

Perckle (4:46:50 PM): A pictureS

Perckle (4:46:54 PM): I have the ability to do that

Perckle (4:47:04 PM): fine.

Perckle (4:47:06 PM): I don’t.

Perckle (4:47:11 PM):  I couldn’t even explain that one

Perckle (4:47:20 PM): maybe I should just let the gypsies spellcheck my work

Perckle (4:47:27 PM): then I wouldn’t have to be such a liar.

Perckle (4:47:44 PM): now I’m embarrassed.

Perckle (4:47:46 PM): :-(

Perckle (4:47:51 PM): I changed my smileys. I don’t like them

Perckle (4:47:55 PM): I think I’ll change them back

Perckle (4:48:39 PM):  all better

Perckle (4:48:40 PM):  :-) (this difference is LOST in the conversion to the blog)

Perckle (4:48:56 PM): I can see you’ve returned to ignoring me

Perckle (4:48:59 PM): that’s fine

Perckle (4:49:03 PM):  I have to do my hair anyway.

Brother(4:50:01 PM): and shower too, you smell like burnt penguin

Perckle (4:52:03 PM): fuck you, man.

Perckle (5:10:50 PM): having taken some time to think.

Perckle (5:10:57 PM):  I would like to apologize for my previous comment

Perckle (5:11:07 PM): OH MY GOD

Perckle (5:11:17 PM): THAT FUCKING KID WAS FOUND SAFE IN HIS HOUSE

Perckle (5:11:42 PM): amateur scientists?  try amateur parents

Perckle (5:12:06 PM):  jesus. how hard is it realize that your kid did NOT float off into the clouds?

Perckle (5:19:55 PM): I’m leaving for real this time.  you may email any other thoughts/comments.  you know the address.

Perckle (5:19:56 PM): peace!

I’d like to add that the facebook status mentioned in this conversation ended up causing some sort of drama in the family.  Some members felt insulted when all I was trying to do was COMPLIMENT them on putting up with me.

*At the time, I had a little avatar-thing of a rotund little penguin who never stopped waddling.  This infuriated Older Brother for reasons I still do not understand. Seriously, it was a cartoon penguin.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Jen Grant March 3, 2010 at 6:54 am

The penguin pissed me off too.

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