Smoke Alarms Are Evil. Or, Why I Look Like Hell Today

by Perckle on May 3, 2012

Due to the severe back pain I’ve been having that keeps me up tossing and turning all night, I decided to sleep in the guest room to give my husband a break from being accidentally kicked multiple times.  It was going to be a good night’s sleep.

Until the smoke detector decided it couldn’t wait another fucking minute to have a new battery.

1:41am – Smoke detector lets out the loudest beeping wailing noise EVER.  I jumped out of bed so fast convinced that we were either being robbed, arsoned or shot.  And what did my confused brain decide to do?  Go downstairs and see if someone had broken into our house which was A) really fucking stupid because I was armed with nothing but a horrible case of bed-head and B) our alarm wasn’t even set so the how the hell did it go off?  Spoiler: I found nothing alarming downstairs so I went back to bed, convinced that the noise I heard was really part of a dream because my husband wasn’t up searching the house and the dogs hadn’t made a noise.  At this point, I also remembered that I had a husband and two dogs in the house who were all better equipped to check the house for burglars or stray raccoons than I was.

1:46am- Smoke detector screams at me again because obviously I didn’t take it seriously enough.  By now I have surmised that it is most likely the smoke detector yelling at me and not the alarm or a really loud (and mean) child, but I really don’t want to do anything about it because it’s 1:46 in the morning and I’m really tired.  Plus, I have no clue which smoke detector it is because, I shit you not, we have FOUR within 12 square feet of our house because apparently fires can only start in one place but dammit is that place prepared.  This is when I decide that time and a little science will be my friend.  I concluded that if 5 minutes had passed between smoke detector assaults, I would wait another 5 minutes and if nothing happened, I was clearly delusional.  Part of this stemmed from the fact that the three other living beings in the house had not stirred.

Asshole Smoke Detector


1:51am – No noise!  Clearly I was just making myself crazy. Pass the hell out.

1:52am – BEEEEEEEEEEEEP! SHRIEK! WAIL!  dammit. I go into the master bedroom and a very groggy husband says, “What is that?”  and I say, “I DON’T KNOW!  I think it’s a smoke alarm but I don’t know which one and it’s loud and scary and it needs a new battery! Where are the batteries?” <groggy response which I don’t understand> I assume they are in the toolbox where we keep all the random shit that I don’t usually have to deal with but of course the toolbox is not where it’s supposed to be, it’s out in the garage and of course the door to the garage makes a beeping noise when I open it because we had to be all safe with our house and invest in an alarm system and the beeping only gives me a minor panic attack as I wait for the smoke detector to take the door’s cue and go off again, meanwhile I am tearing through the toolbox and can’t find those damn rectangular batteries that I need, only double-A and that’s really not helping because the TV remotes are fine, dammit, and then I get all worried that I’m going to have to endure screeching alarms at 5 minute intervals for the rest of the day because I can’t drive to store right now because I only half know what’s going on to begin with and that’s not being a responsible driver and in Austin at least one of us has to be a good driver and just as my frustration is reaching a breaking point I go back in the house and see the box of rectangular batteries SITTING WHERE THE TOOLBOX IS SUPPOSED TO BE.  *sigh* I am my father’s daughter.

Long story longer, I replaced the damn battery and saved what little remained of my sanity.

Then I had the BEST IDEA EVER.  Don’t steal it. I’ll be real mad if you do.

A tech-savvy smoke detector that has some damn manners.  Instead of these asshole smoke detectors that just start screaming at you the second their battery isn’t PERFECT, how about we create a super smart one that first sends you an email that says, “Hey, sorry to trouble you but I really want to keep you and your family safe and my battery is starting to drain a little.  Please give me a new battery and girl, I will keep you so safe.  I’ll be like the shell to your coconut or at least like a person who screams when someone’s about to break your coconut.”  If the battery hasn’t been changed in the next 5 days, your smoke detector will then take advantage of any pre-programmed social media channels you use.  Facebook.  Twitter. YouTube. Pinterest. Add that shit to timeline, Zuckerburg.  Instead of focusing on the past, why not predict the future as relates to keeping your smoke detector happy? We’re saving lives here, Mark. If you haven’t changed the battery by then, well, you kinda deserve the beeping.

Lessons learned:

  1. I would not do well if my house was on fire.
  2. The toolbox needs to be put back where it belongs.  (No, I didn’t bother to move it)
  3. I will sell my social-media savvy smoke detector for no less than $2 million.


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