There is a bird outside my window chirping at me.  I mean *right* outside my window.  He keeps flapping his wings at me.  This all started when Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” came on.  I don’t know if he’s trying to tell me that today is HIS day and he won’t back down or that he hates this song and is suggesting that I back down.  Because it’s kind of the first song that I haven’t skipped on iTunes this morning.  So maybe YOU could back the hell down, Bird.  I NEED THIS.  And your flapping and chirping is just rude.  Even if you are just singing along, which I don’t think you are.  I think you’re here to cause problems.  You didn’t make a peep during Bob Marley.  Or The Beatles.  Or even a song from West Side Story.  But play some Tom Petty and suddenly, it’s like you’re fucking center stage  at Carnegie Hall.  I’M IN NO MOOD!

Now you’re staring into my window.  It’s more than a little creepy, Bird.  The flapping only makes me think you’re going to try to fly straight at me which can only end in one of two ways: 1- you smushed against the glass or 2- you stuck in the screen portion.  If you must fly at me – in what I assume is an attempt to peck out my eyes – please opt for the 2nd possibility.  The first one would be messy and sad and I really don’t like it when animals die.  The second option, however,  would be hilarious and I would laugh at you and probably stand above you, point and laugh whilst screaming “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING RUDE TO TOM PETTY, ASSHOLE!”

Followed by me grabbing my computer, phone and coffee (aka The Essentials) and sprinting out of this room, closing the door behind me, shoving a towel in the crack under said door just in case some feathered jerk thinks he can outsmart me and then calling my husband in a state of panic because a bird tried to kill me and is now lodged in our window screen/possibly trying to crawl under the door.  And he tends to not really enjoy it when I call him at work screaming about animals in my office.

Yes, it has happened before.

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